I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I would fuck him just for his dog
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
