Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
