Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
