wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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