the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
