Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hippo gnu deer
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
