hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
