Who did Billy Mays play for?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
