Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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