the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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