she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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