If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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