NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
