So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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