The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
last night I used snow as a chaser
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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