she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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