My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
