so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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