im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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