I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
