On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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