i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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