It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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