haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
