nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
