I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
from now on my penis is your penis
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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