cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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