Pants 0. Shit 1.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
