Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
