Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
