you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
