i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
