Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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