i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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