Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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