What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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