I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
