I could make wine with my vomit
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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