how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
