I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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