Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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