Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
