I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
