you didnt know i had herpes?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
