her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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