I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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