I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
