You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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