Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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