My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
