I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
