I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
