I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just want to make out with him forever
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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