It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize