Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
