did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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