broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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